The discomfort of being misaligned with your true inner purpose is extremely hard to bear.
When you’re really awake, the universe is thrusting you forward to do impactful work. And it’s uncomfortable. Let me tell you about the symptoms that come with the dark night of the soul.
I am going through a transformational awakening that I believe (and I hope) will leave me completely changed in all ways. I’m realizing that my space on this Earth can mean so much more than it has until now, and in some ways, I have traveled down a misaligned (but not wrong) path.
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This growth can be uncomfortable. I’ve heard of spiritual awakenings in other people that involve a “dark night of the soul” where they experience depression and pain. For me, this hasn’t exactly happened. I am very hopeful; I wouldn’t call it a “dark night.” But I feel extremely uncomfortable with any daily activity that does not align with the purpose on this Earth that I feel I am here to fulfill — healing.
I have so much to learn, and I feel it is urgent. I need to immerse myself in ancient wisdom from around the world and meditate as much as possible. I need to talk to experts, take courses, and open my mind to ideas I don’t even know about right now. I have only touched the tip of the iceberg in terms of my potential.
If you are going through this as well, I would love to hear from you. I believe that the people who are most uncomfortable in their current daily life, as they look at the need to transform, are workers in corporate-style offices. (Who am I kidding, no one is working in an office these days.) For anyone who is self-employed, you can count yourselves lucky. And if your work is already transcending human materialism and greed, you are also lucky.
It is difficult for me to stay motivated when I face a devotion of my time and energy to something that isn’t about using my skills, talents, and energy to heal someone else. Sure, you could argue that any situation presents an opportunity to do so. But the value of that only goes so far before it feels stagnant. My soul seems to be jumping out of myself in desperation to express its truth.
I need to have the freedom to heal, heal, heal.
Writing on Medium at this current moment is one of my only ways to speak and live my truth. I feel that it is urgent to speak to the greater world about the crises we are facing as a collective, and the healing that is already possible. I am also making plans to start a movement beyond writing.
Every day for the past month, my first thought is: how much longer am I going to have to pretend to be something I am not? I can’t speak my truth in most scenarios. I can’t even speak from my heart to my family, so operating in a world where I’m expected to be relatively the same person as I was before is difficult. I am nothing like the person from one month prior.
I have to play a part. I have to pretend to enjoy all the same things as everyone else, like chit chat and complaining about the pandemic. I want to open my heart to the people who have surrounded me for a long time, and tell them I am here to help them heal. But I can’t, because it would disrupt their comfortably uncomfortable lives, and they wouldn’t understand. So, I have to close my heart in some situations, until I am free.
