One of my karmic cycles that I am lately working to graduate from is the tendency to be a people pleaser. I have found that I have a sense of loyalty for others that isn’t always reciprocated. There are people who would call me their friend but would drop me in a heartbeat if it was convenient for them. I’m learning that often, the problem lies in myself. I must stop being a people pleaser.
I am not yet fully able to recognize in myself the fact that I don’t have to be friends with everyone. I don’t have to please everyone.
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As a spiritual person, I try to embody love and compassion more and more to the best of my ability. Sometimes that is a challenge when it seems that there are a lot of self-serving people in the world. But then sometimes people enter my life who appear to be friendly and loving toward me — only to find out later that in fact, they are often (sometimes unintentionally) in need of something from me. They’re just seeking my attention and energy. When I don’t produce the object of their desires, their attentions wane. They show me the level of respect that they truly had for me all along.
I’ll be honest, I am writing this after a few months during which a short series of people I thought were friends just blocked me out of the blue. No reason was given. And they think it’s fine to excommunicate someone quickly this way. Cutting me off with no warning is somehow acceptable in their world.
Although everything happens for a reason and the universe is probably protecting me from further hurt, I have to stop and wonder why people don’t treat me with the level of respect that I show to them.
Of course, you could argue that this behavior says more about them than it does about me. But I always take everything as meaningful, especially if it’s showing up in a pattern in my life. I have somehow attracted this behavior and I need to understand why. I want to break the pattern.
The basic answer here for me (and for everyone) is that we simply must stop being people pleasers. But this is much easier said than done. When you’re so used to being of service to others, you forget that you need what people like to call “boundaries.” You stop thinking about your own needs and you don’t even notice when someone else is totally focusing on their needs over yours. Caring deeply about others makes you forget to notice whether anyone is caring deeply about you.
Being a people pleaser means you forget your own self-care and worth.
I don’t often like to recommend boundaries to anyone because boundaries are a way of creating more separation. At the basic level of life, we should be pursuing oneness — real love knows no boundaries. But you can have compassion for someone while moving away from them. You simply aren’t meant to be best friends with everyone on this planet.
Some people come into your life for a temporary cycle, and others are more permanent. They probably follow you throughout lifetimes and stick with you no matter what. These are the people that you need to focus on. But when someone is demanding a lot from you and not respecting the lines you’ve drawn in the sand, you should move away and focus on other things. It’s okay to let go and tell yourself “That was just a season!” as you move toward embodying new energy and you stop being a people pleaser.
It can be loving to focus on yourself and your own needs instead of prioritizing others’ needs. The first step is to recognize how this seems to happen to you each time, and at what point you realize that you’re dealing with energy vampires. The next step is to take action by moving slowly away. Show them love by removing yourself from each other’s paths and acknowledging the lesson that they’ve brought you.
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Emily is a writer, coach, intuitive reader, and content creator with a background in philosophy.
