Two years ago today, I was about to be plunged into a grief journey. My boyfriend died. I wrote a story about how I was depressed and to get through each day, I had to make up reasons to live. I could see so clearly that this life is just a story — a plot unfolding that’s part of my destiny — and I could be fully engaged in it, I could attach to the outcome, or I could simply let it unfold and play along with it. I could pretend I cared — or not.
Now, I am no longer very depressed. But of course, grief comes in waves, and sometimes I find myself bawling my eyes out. Sometimes I am still depressed. Being human is really weird to me — and sometimes I look around and I’m like, “What is this place?”
It feels like in order to exist, I have to make up reasons to be here that my heart isn’t always fully committed to.
I often feel like I am unfamiliar with this life’s setup. I am a human on Earth in my particular station of society and in my particular country and town, with my particular privileged white girl first-world problems. And sometimes, it’s hard to keep caring about those problems because I don’t feel like me. I know I’ve been a lot of things before this and I’ll be a lot more after this lifetimes is over. Essentially, I am a soul having a human experience over and over again. The real story is bigger than we know. This is not even a chapter — it’s a subchapter within a chapter.
Everything is meaningful and significant, I don’t deny that. Everything happens for a reason. That’s actually the point that often gets me down. I know I’m here and that I don’t really belong here. I know that this is a plot in a story, and the storyline will keep going whether or not I care. And that hurts. It feels like I didn’t come here by consent. Instead, I am a prisoner in a way. I feel like it’s very unfair.
But my soul knows that this is not true. In fact, I have one hundred percent agreed to this storyline, I just don’t remember doing that. I even wrote a lot of it. I knew what needed to happen in this lifetime for my highest good. My soul said, “Let me go on an excursion to Earth for another roller coaster ride!” and I signed my soul contract, lept aboard the caravan of Earth-bound souls, and happily incarnated where I am now. We’re all here by design.
But that’s the duality of human existence, isn’t it? Because sometimes, we are sad. We lose sight of that excitement of being alive. We ask the universe “Why?” and we’re resentful. For those of us awake enough to recognize the true nature of this existence, it’s really difficult to keep going sometimes. Being enlightened isn’t always fun.
Sometimes we have to motivate ourselves by making up reasons to keep going. We have to know why we’re here for it to be any fun at all.
The true nature of this existence is that it is fleeting, painful, illusory, and it’s a place of learning. At some points in time, it is thrilling, fascinating, and mysterious. We love it and we hate it. That is the polarity of life in this universe. We’re supposed to be figuring out how we should feel about it as we go — for that part is not pre-written. Our path is clear but our feelings about it are up to us. We do have freewill.
I think it’s probably in our best interest to use that freewill to be happy about this silly place and enjoy it as much as we can. Every sunset and every delicious meal, every moment of pure love, and every triumph needs to be cherished.
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