The light shines itself too brightly at times, and it illuminates uncomfortable truths about my reality. A revelation too big can make me slip into the darkness. My soul enters a dark night. Does this ever happen to you? I want to answer the question, “What is the dark night of the soul, spiritually?”
To be functional, we must have a grip on reality most of the time. We must be able to get our pants on and go out the door once in a while. There has to be some ongoing thread of simple motivation to keep living and doing mindless, mundane tasks all day. Shoving food in our mouths, trying to earn a paycheck, paying bills, sleeping, and then getting up to do it all over again. But why? What’s the point?
I once wrote about how I’m tired of making up reasons to live. Because that’s how it feels sometimes. We’re playing a make-believe game on a grand scale where there’s a point to all of this.
It’s hard when you’re struggling with grief and loss as I was. The world can seem terribly cruel. But even before I experienced trauma, I had episodes of darkness simply by reflecting on my reason for being alive.
When I have a revelation or an awakening and see that there’s no real point in any of it — that it’s all kinda made up — I slip back into a state of depression. I start having a dark night of the soul. The burning tower comes toppling over.
We scramble to figure out our purpose, even at the most basic level. Even very “unspiritual” people do it — and maybe them most of all.
The people with the least faith in divinity are the ones who make up the silliest reasons to stay alive if you ask me. They’re used to finding bogus reasons to live. They like picking out meaningless life missions, like climbing a career ladder in software engineering or getting a Ph.D. so they can work at an evil oil company. They see “success” as money and material possessions they acquire throughout their temporary lives. And they never stop to ask why all of this is even happening.
Slightly more spiritual people like myself will look for answers. Living a mindless life just doesn’t cut it for us. We want more. We want a really big reason for being alive. When there doesn’t seem to be a logical or merciful one, that’s when everything comes crashing down.
I personally start to have a major existential crisis during these moments.
I have a bit of a freak-out. Why am I here? Do I have to stay here out of obligation? What is there to look forward to anymore? Am I just an automaton going through motions every day without the will to live? Am I really supposed to be avoiding questions about existence in order to make this life tolerable?
Sometimes it even seems like it’s better to stay in the matrix.
I know it’s depressing. It’s fine. I don’t see any way around it when I’m really in touch with consciousness about reality. It’s an inevitable consequence of contemplating life. I would always choose to be lucid instead of mindless. So, it’s the consequence of waking up — being sad sometimes is part of the journey.
It’s kind of refreshing, honestly. When I’ve gotten rid of all the bogus reasons to live — like earning money and having certain relationships — it feels like I can start life again on a clean slate. It’s alright.
It’s depressing but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Hi, I’m Emily. In addition to writing, I also teach meditation, read tarot, create podcasts, and I’m a spiritual coach. For more about me, have a look at my website. If this writing helps you, you’re always welcome to buy me a coffee.
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The divine in me recognizes the divine in you.
