What is ego death? When you lose something significant in your life, you grieve. This is normal. Usually, we think of grieving as a response to the loss of a person in your life. But what if that person is you? This is what happens in ego death.
Ego death means that your self-identity is transforming. Instead of seeing yourself primarily as a physical human, you start to understand that you are pure consciousness. You have to say goodbye to that person who you once were — and you may realize that they were only an illusion all along. It can feel sad, like grieving a loss.
It can also feel confusing because you lose the attachment to many of the things you thought defined you as a person. You’ve only ever known your own identity as related to relationships, possessions, achievements, and status. In ego death, you have no point of reference for your identity because none of these things matter anymore.
I started to experience this a week or two ago after I did a session with a “belief code” healer. I am not sure if this is what triggered my ego death, but otherwise, there is no apparent reason why I would be going through this right now. Maybe it was just my time. Let me explain what’s been happening.
Attachments Dissolve
For me, ego death has felt both good and bad. It’s both liberating and sad at the same time. I recognize that I am losing attachments, which I know is a good thing, spiritually. They are restrictive. Attachments bring suffering.
Although I know I am transcending this lower level of consciousness, I am sad to lose the person I’ve known myself to be for years. Maybe part of me liked suffering. Maybe I enjoyed chasing physical pleasure like sex and food, and maybe I got a temporary high from human drama and manipulation for personal gain.
I used to be very attached to my relationships, achievements, skills, and social status as a definition of my identity. I don’t feel the pull to chase these anymore. If I no longer have these attachments, then who am I? It’s a scary feeling.
The ego doesn’t actually die. Only the attachments do, leaving a sense of loss about what’s important in life.
It is a strange loss when your ego dissolves. I grieve, and yet, I also feel excited to transcend my suffering.
Loss of Identity
To not know who I am — even temporarily — feels like I am just drifting in space. I no longer crave relationships and I am not excited to participate in physical-level pleasures like most people do. I feel listless in a way. I have nothing to anchor me. Nothing to hold onto or look forward to. I don’t know what to like or dislike, or what to chase — if I ever wanted to chase anything at all.
I see this all as a theater production and I am playing a role, but I’ve become conscious of it and now all of it seems pointless. Other people are characters and they are very attached to the plot, but I feel like I’ve just checked out. I want to care, but I can’t. I simply can’t force myself.
When people ask me how my life is going, I find myself trying to feign an ego-based response, because the truth is, I don’t really care anymore.
I have always identified with the character role I am playing. So, when I no longer feel attached to its trials and triumphs, then what do I have left to be excited about? This is the limbo stage of ego death — something new must arise to take the place of previous desires.
In the Void of Emptiness
It’s strange when you’ve been programmed to keep looking outside the self for answers and comfort, and then you suddenly don’t feel like doing that anymore. I have no compass; no roadmap for this experience. I am just in a void.
It’s not a sad void except that it does feel like grief in emptiness. It’s an unprecedented feeling that scares me. I am worried about myself. If I don’t know who I am, how can I live up to expectations and fulfill the responsibilities that others have placed upon me? Completing minor, daily tasks now feels so different — as if I am just going through the motions.
It’s not a bad feeling, and I wouldn’t say I am depressed, but I do feel like everything I have valued before now seems pointless. All of my ego attachments have only led me to repeated suffering. Now, I have escaped from that hamster wheel. I am looking at my own life as if it’s something completely new, and yet to the world around me, I am still the same person. I don’t know how to act or be. I have no point of reference for my identity. I don’t know who I am.
It’s a disturbingly empty feeling. It’s not comfortable to lose your ego. It can be lonely, too, because it’s hard to explain to anyone else since it is so unusual. My hope is that by writing this, it becomes more mainstream to talk about this experience.
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Emily is a writer, coach, intuitive reader, and content creator with a background in philosophy.
