Your soul chose to come to Earth. Isn’t that wild? There are so many ups and downs here, it’s like a rollercoaster of trauma and emotions. Sometimes, I have to wonder why we would ever elect to be here in the first place when life seems so cruel. A depressed soul may have just about given up here.
Happiness can seem fleeting and pointless because it always ends. Worrying about the future does nothing, but at least when I am worrying, I still care what happens. In the past, I’ve found that when that feeling finally subsides and I start to think that there are no happy endings, I’m left with an endless abyss of hopelessness. It’s deeply sad. Why am I here? But after a period of intense grief, I did manage to find my way back to the light, and I’ll tell you how.
Ego Depression Vs. Soul Depression
There are different levels of depression. When you still have some attachment to the outcome and a sliver of hope left, the sadness is different. You still allow the outside world to determine your moods. When I’m in this mode, I still hold onto hope that things are going to turn out great, usually dependent on the actions of another person to satisfy me.
When I am in a deeper depression that’s more like a dark night of the soul, it’s different. My happiness or sadness no longer depends on what’s going on outside me. I no longer have faith that the universe will be nice to me. I have released all worry because that would mean I still think there’s a chance it will be okay. Soul depression is about acceptance that things will always be terrible.
The Dark Night of the Soul
In this frame of mind, I have surrendered all worry and become comfortable with the idea that nothing ever works out. I have reached a very depressive version of acceptance. I get into a state of mind where I believe the world is just a cruel place in general, and any good thing that happens is just a fluke. Have you felt this before, too?
A few years ago, someone very dear to me died and I went through a long period of painful grief. I was mad at the universe. I didn’t want to be here anymore because I felt that anything good that could come into my life would just get taken away. I felt that there was nothing more to look forward to and I was only here to take care of my daughter.
I would wake up in the morning crying. “Oh god, I’m not back here again, am I?” and every morning, it was like reality had to set in again. I didn’t want to be here anymore. It was a living nightmare. I resisted my Earthly presence and rebelled against my choice to incarnate here.
I Came Back, Though
Although I endured a long period of time when I didn’t want to be here, I never lost faith that the universe has a divine plan. I just didn’t think it was a good plan, hence my depression. But little by little, over time, I saw small miracles begin to happen that I had never anticipated. I was given a new purpose in being alive. I found meaning where I thought there was none.
Part of it was the universe giving me reasons to live. Part of it was my own search for meaning. We met in the middle and co-created my new life.
I had to re-learn the way life works and become comfortable again with uncertainty about the future. I had to find out that everything I ever needed was already within me and here in the present moment. When I felt I had lost everything, even my will to live, I found that there was a clean slate waiting for me, and I could mold it into anything I liked.
There is potential in the darkness.
It took courage to face the darkness and not let it consume me. It took blind faith that everything happens for a reason. I never lost that faith, although it was very weak for a long time.
When you’re having a dark night of the soul, all I can say is that you need to hang on. I can’t promise things will get better, but I can promise that hitting rock bottom is a wonderfully dangerous place to be. When you have no f**ks left to give, you enter into an astonishingly powerful place of infinite possibilities. Harness that power and never let go.
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About Emily
Emily is a writer, coach, intuitive reader, and content creator with a background in philosophy.
