I’m done with life. Officially.
Once upon a time, an unbelievably tragic and sudden death occurred. No happy ending was in sight. But life apparently had to go on anyway.
A young-ish, beautiful, perfect person was taken away from the Earth plane and from opportunities for their physical existence to spread joy, turning hope immediately into darkness. Happiness had been achieved apparently just so it could be yanked away.
This person died, passed into spirit form, and I found myself promptly wishing I was also dead because, let’s face it, nobody wants to live in a dumb universe like this one. People die, sure, but under such horribly, karmically ironic, and unexpected circumstances? No. That wasn’t fair.
Instead of wishing I was dead, it occurred to me that I might be okay if I was allowed to live inside Disney World forever.
Sarcasm and cynicism set in for me. Spirit told me I needed to keep laughing. The deceased that are still with us in non-physical form want us to keep things light. It’s how we heal. It’s how I keep my sanity. (That hasn’t been fully confirmed yet.)
So, my depression turned into laughter about how annoying the universe is. I started losing all faith in miracles. I wondered about the point of living and wished every day for a dump truck to run me over. I am still doing that.
I felt like a voice was telling me, “And what have we learned today children? Let’s review this episode of life on Earth: life is horrible and we’re all being punished for past life things we aren’t even aware of.”
I felt like a fraud for all my writing to this point about the laws of the universe — as if I know how to manifest happiness? Nah.
I laugh at darkness. I laugh at fear. I laugh at the fact that I feel empty. Laughter at my own depression is the only joy that I have these days.
Nothing seems to matter anymore, so who even cares?
I’m going to go curl up in my bed again and wait to die.
Karmic Lessons Are Pointless Unless You Still Have Hope
The universe is going to make sure you learn your lessons and eat your broccoli. There’s no way out.
Life isn’t about finding love and happiness, it’s about learning. The only way to learn is to experience tragedy over and over till you let go of all your stupid attachments. And you probably never will, because that’s too hard. So, guess what? You’re doomed.
Even if we all somehow ascend one day, it’ll be many many lifetimes later, after we’ve endured so much pain that we feel like there’s literally no point in existing anymore. You begin to wonder what business you ever had in becoming a human.
We’re gonna live and die a million times and experience loss over and over. Who would volunteer to do such an insane thing? Clearly, we’re all morons.
You’re gonna get the opposite of what will make you happy because your soul has to grow. You’re not allowed to just be happy. That would make you stagnant.
I have really started to wonder if when I reach the point of enlightenment and ascend to a new existence, I’ll be so exhausted of these hellish lifetimes that I won’t be excited about it anymore. There will be a cheering crowd at the finish line handing me flowers and I’ll be like “thanks guys, but I just want to go take a nap now.”
Happiness Shmappiness
‘Happy? Please,’ says the universe. Then it slams the door in your face!
This is how I heal. I keep sarcasm. I keep pessimism with a touch of comedy. Darkness is bearable if we understand that our own laughter is the only thing we’ve got.
Time isn’t real. Reality isn’t real. The person you love most? Not real. You? Totally unreal. Your life memories? A fictional narrative. But hey, you can still have fun with fiction. You get swept up in the story, excited about the promise of life and all its opportunities. People tell you anything is possible and you believe that. Stuff sometimes works out and you think you might actually have a shot at some kind of tolerable existence.
Then the universe surprises you by showing you that all these things can be confiscated if you don’t do your homework every night.
You were absent five days from life this semester. You don’t get a gold star.
The unthinkable will happen to you. Yes, there’s something that’s opposite to a miracle, and it’s called the worst-case scenario. It’s called crying in bed every day and wishing you could choke to death on your next bite of pizza. (I’m not kidding. Today I swallowed a large chunk of food I hadn’t thoroughly chewed, and I actually got a little excited when it became lodged in my throat for a few seconds.)
You can’t manifest your way out of your lot in life by keeping good vibes because sometimes, you’ll be forced to feel bad vibes so you remember what you’re dealing with. The universe’s plan is powerful. Stop trying to change its direction.
The most spiritual of us will be called on to find a lesson in total darkness. And the lesson will always be: ‘Hey dumbass! You’re not in control here.’
You’ll want to go into a hole and die. You’ll be mad at God. You’ll wonder what the point of anything is.
There’s no point in anything. Surely you already knew that!
So, you can happily slip back into your depression and just ride your days out.
Questions in Grief
When someone you really loved dies, it’s fine to ask, ‘Why the fuck didn’t you kill me, too, universe?’ It all seems so cruel. Suddenly, dying isn’t what’s scary. Being alive in a universe that makes no sense is what’s really a horror story.
Life can be scarier than death.
All the self-love journeys and healing, to me, feel pointless now. Why did I care so much? I built myself up with soul healing and why did it even matter when none of the things I wanted are around anymore? Hope, love, happiness…they’re gone. No life to prepare for anymore. It’s over.
Stop worrying because you know what? We’re all gonna die.
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I’m a spiritual coach, meditation instructor, psychic, and twin flame expert. I also love occult books and I nerd out on ancient mysteries.
