Although much of my life on Jeju Island was about drinking and other pleasurable pursuits, I managed to have a breakthrough spiritual experience there. I experienced the miracle of overcoming a breakup with oneness. While I was a teacher there in South Korea, I was dating a man who is now my ex-husband. We’d been hanging out together for about six months on New Year’s Day 2014, and we decided to take a long walk along the coast near Seogwipo — the south side of the island.
It was a clear and mild day on the majestic island of Jeju, and the dark blue ocean was lined with jagged, black volcanic rock, inviting us to come closer to the edge and look into its depths. We had a lovely time trespassing on the grounds of abandoned resorts and looking at weird rock formations. At the end of it, we ate delicious pork belly on Lee Jung Seop Street in a restaurant with walls that were plastered with old newspapers. We went back to my place and woke up the next morning hungover as hell.
He’d never been great at handling hangovers. He did something that shocked me in a very offensive way and I flew into a rage. It did not end well.
My neighbor heard me scream. His phone ended up cracked and he walked out on me. I even chased him down the hill, getting dressed as fast as I could, and begged him to come back — but he boarded the intercity bus and left me standing there at the bus stop alone on that chilly January morning.
I was heartbroken. I was full of pain and shock. In Jeju, I hadn’t had a lot of luck with men. I’d been there for almost three years and hadn’t been interested in dating other “foreigners” like myself. But dating Korean men was an uphill battle. This man was the first one who I’d gotten anywhere with and who didn’t just want to use me — he was actually open to being in a serious relationship with a non-Korean. And I felt like I’d fucked that whole opportunity up.
I had let my emotions get the best of me and I regretted it. Looking back now, I know full well that he deserved it in a way, but at the time I was so awfully in pain. I was obsessive. I felt like if he rejected me, I was nothing.
I became depressed and empty. I would wake up crying, go to work, and then come home and cry. I took no joy in daily life. I didn’t understand how it had all ended so abruptly.
At the time, I was doing winter camps for an elementary school in the city. I remember telling my Canadian neighbor who was teaching the camp with me that I was in a very bad state. I just felt like I was nothing without that relationship. I was a worthless failure. He shook his head and didn’t know what to say — and I felt so pathetic for letting a man destroy me so deeply.
Around the same time, I had become very interested in Buddhism. I’d always had an interest in it from a young age, but my drinking and partying in Korea had distracted me from that pursuit for a while. One of my best friends, another English teacher from Ohio, had become very involved with Won Buddhism and lent me his books. I was also listening to guided meditations by Deepak Chopra about healing. I knew I needed to sit down and just meditate if I was going to have any hope of getting over this guy.
I knew that nobody could complete me, and yet I had to do something big to start to love myself again.
I started to meditate. Meditation was the only time when I felt in control of my life. I started to feel connected to myself again. I felt safe inside my meditation space.
It got more profound. I started slipping into deeper and deeper meditation. I just let my mind go and allowed it to be what it needed to be. It wanted peace.
Meditation created a new world for me. A new perspective. Inside my peaceful mind, I could see things the way they really are. I am playing a role and this heartbreak I was experiencing was a story. It was just a story among many, and my true self was something more than this. I am not really me and none of this really matters — I could see there was an attachment there that I could do without.
I started to release the attachment.
After doing this for about a week or two, my meditations were over an hour long. I had been able to reach a state of complete balance and mental equanimity that I didn’t want to disturb, so I stayed in meditation as long as I could.
And one amazing day, I reached total bliss.
It felt so right. It was liberating. I was floating. There was absolute flow. It didn’t matter where I was or what I was doing, it was all the same. I felt ecstasy in being alive. Nothing bothered me — things that once annoyed me seemed benign. Everything I experienced made sense and I saw it all moving in great harmony with existence. It didn’t matter what was happening around me; I was happy. Nothing could shake me.
Everything was interesting. I remember boarding the intercity bus one day and I looked at the driver and thought to myself, “This person is fascinating!”
The world was opening up to me in a new way. The heartbreak was no longer hanging over my head. I could see my reactions and emotions for what they were — valid parts of the “me” I had constructed as a human. Parts of the ego. Not part of the real me.
I could experience feelings but I didn’t have to attach to them. I could observe them and even befriend them, but they didn’t have a hold over me. It was pure bliss.
After several days in this state of bliss, I went back to ego-driven desires. I let the enlightenment slip away. I returned to the land of suffering. I allowed it back in. I got distracted and tempted by pretty things.
Being human is addictive and I just couldn’t maintain this state of bliss while living among people so far removed from it. In order to live with others, you have to use their language to communicate and it’s hard to go very long without being sucked into their worries and desires.
The man who had abandoned me after our fight came back. Maybe he could sense that I was in a really good place. I was enticed to enjoy human love and relationships again through the ego.
Though years have passed, I believe I can go back. I don’t know why I was able to have this state of mind back then, but I yearn to find it again. Unfortunately, these things don’t happen when we plan them. Total bliss just washes over you — it can’t be gotten intentionally.
I want to chase bliss and release attachments, but it isn’t straightforward. Even wanting such a thing is an attachment. This experience has shaped my life. I teach meditation now, hoping to allow others to open the door to enlightenment. Meditation is the answer to everything. It is the transcendence of suffering. You, too, can experience overcoming a breakup with a spiritual awakening. Everything happens for a reason.
The search for enlightenment is why we’re here.
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