Recently, I learned something new about the grief experience. Sometimes, we can grieve while not feeling particularly sad.
I have come a long way in my healing. I experienced loss but it was like a slingshot — I had to take a few steps backward into darkness before being flung into my true life purpose. I had a very dark period that I endured but I have come out of it feeling better than ever.
I am living the best version of my life at the age of forty-one that I ever imagined possible. And I am embracing my own happiness. I am grateful to be alive every day. I haven’t forgotten that two years ago, I wished I was dead because I was so depressed, but I see now that in the grand scheme of life, this was part of what shaped me into a stronger and more powerful person.
I am content now. My daily life is mainly positive and I have nothing to complain about. The light is shining brightly on me in this period of my life. I have no desire to wallow. There is no need to look at the world with disdain or worry. That’s why it’s so weird when the grief creeps up on me. It just comes out of nowhere and I don’t even feel sad.
Grief will drop on your head suddenly when you’re having a wonderful day. You might be in a workout class, washing the dishes, or driving on the highway. It won’t usually be at a convenient time. Grief doesn’t always make sense.
You can be happy and sad at the same time, strangely enough. Life never ceases to surprise me.
It’s a strange phenomenon to have grief bubbling up like this when I generally feel good about life. If left to its own devices, it turns into anxiety. I don’t always want to focus on the fact that some part of me is grieving. Then, something seemingly out of my control forces me to pay attention to it.
I thought that being happy while grieving was a paradox of opposites that could not exist at the same time within me, but now I understand how they can coexist. We are multi-layered beings. There is a lot going on in our energy fields. Sometimes paradoxes can coexist. Sometimes what’s going on with you on one level of consciousness is totally different from another.
Being human is an exploration of all the feelings. Just when you have it all figured out, the universe comes at you with a new surprise. We all just have to learn to focus on the grief when it overpowers us, even when we want to stay happy.
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