The Loss of Ego and Motivations to Keep Living

I’m about to take you on a very nonlinear and illogical journey between sanity and something similar to nihilism, otherwise known as “I believe in nothing.” And then, if we’re lucky, we will arrive back where we started in the frame of mind that you, the reader, have come to expect of me — where there’s magic and wonder and I haven’t forgotten all the weird things that have happened to me.

But we all lose our faith sometimes. We all get depressed.

I was arrogant. I was on a spiritual high. I thought I knew how to “manifest” good things in life and I even told other people how to do it. I wrote about it. I mean I probably did, I don’t remember anymore. I’m sorry but it’s true.

I don’t know what’s real anymore. I have no advice. I had all the things I worked for, I did all kinds of inner healing and expanded my mind, which no one can ever take away by the way. But I also had tangible things, and isn’t that why we’re living life as tangible beings? Otherwise why not just be mental beings? I learned to love deeply and I thought I was being rewarded for all my spiritual work. Trust me, the universe will turn you upside down at the very moment when you think you’ve won something. And people die. Please, prove me wrong here.

I don’t know about you, but when I’m depressed, it is now really annoying to hear people tell me that I have some control over my reality just by an alteration of my mindset. It’s annoying for two reasons. One is that I probably told people this in the past when they were depressed, and now I get to experience how dumb it sounds. Secondly, it doesn’t even seem true.

So, I decided, after the death of a person I love so dearly, that if I’m going to live, it’s all made up. I am playing make-believe. There’s no reason to live anymore. To “prop up” my life, I can make up reasons. Sure. Anyone can. But I won’t anymore. It’s exhausting trying to hope and dream for happy days.

I will always have the choice to make up reasons to keep living.

I have a friend who argues that when you’re depressed, you can’t see it, but the dark thoughts you have are an illusion. And when you’ve come back to the light, it becomes clear that the dark place you were in was not a reflection of reality. I don’t know about this theory. Because I’ll tell you what — right now, it seems like everything I’m living for is a total farce. It’s just me accepting the role I will play and all the silly games I have opted into.

The funniest thing is that people will encourage you to be attached. They’ll try to make you “feel better” by giving you a reason to live. When it’s the very reasons that I’ve made up that caused me all the pain in the first place. Shouldn’t I be commended for releasing all the shit that I thought defined me? Shouldn’t I stop believing in the character I’m playing? It’s all fleeting.

When I die, none of the creations surrounding this role called Emily are going to matter anymore. Not the set, not the costume, not the lines I’m speaking — none of it. So, why not just let it go now? I can stop propping up my life with them and just drift in the melee of existence. Pessimistically, sure, but at least I’m being real.

We’re souls experiencing this reality. We don’t know why. But probably none of this is real, and you can get attached to it and be happy about most of it if you want to, finding it all interesting and all that. Sure, it can be very interesting, especially when things are going great for you and all your manifestations are materializing perfectly. But then if you’ve ever lost someone like I have who filled your days with thrills and happiness, then it seems like when you return to the land of the living after grieving, it’s like you have to sign the contract again and pretend like life is worth it somehow.

I’m refusing the sign the contract. Bye.

We don’t know anything, in the end. We don’t know the laws of the universe or why things happen. We can make up reasons to explain the workings of reality, but that only lasts until your world comes crashing down like mine did.

And I am not special. We all have tower moments. Some waves just rise higher than others, therefore crashing down harder.

This is my way of boycotting the universe. I refuse to play a part anymore. I am mad. I won’t get into any more adventures and love stories where I’m excited. I refuse to believe more miracles are coming. I definitely don’t believe that my mindset has anything to do with my life’s outcomes. My mindset is my choice, and if good things happen to me I’ll assume they’ll be taken away later anyway.

I’ll spread love where I can because I do still believe in that. I am not going to be mean. If anything, I have less of a reason to ever be mad and more of a reason to just be nice all the time, since nothing matters anyway. I am skeptical about what love really means when you aren’t attached to the object of the love, but we shall just see how it goes.

So, I’ve arrived at non-attachment. I’ve arrived in the “dark night of the soul” and it’s doing its job. I just don’t care anymore. I’m not going to get excited about good things and I won’t be surprised about bad things — all occurrences are just part of the journey. Non-attachment. That’s what the universe wanted of me. So, good!

All the things I held dear have been taken away from me, including anything I believed in. Especially anything I believed in!

Begrudgingly, I will live. But I refuse to keep making up reasons to get excited about it.