Grief is a very strange and unexpected experience. After my boyfriend (and twin flame) died a few years ago, I was shocked by my mental state sometimes. There were paradoxes and inner battles, including feeling happy and sad at the same time. One of the aspects of my grief journey was that I wanted to be happy again and make the pain go away, but at the same time, I didn’t want to let go of the sadness because that would mean I had “moved on” and forgotten the love I felt.
We attach ourselves to emotions sometimes. Deep grief seems to become an intrinsic part of us, and a traumatic event defines us. If you suddenly get to be “normal” and happy again, it would feel wrong in a way. It seems like you have to hang onto the heartbreak so that you can remember who you are.
Grief is a great expression of love. If you never truly loved, you could never grieve. Therefore, it sometimes seems like we shouldn’t stop grieving or that would mean we stop loving. But this isn’t the case. Let me explain why.
I once had the fear that the grief would be over. People said that time would heal me. I was stubborn. I said that would never happen. I felt that they minimized my pain when they said I would soon move on and I would find love again. They didn’t understand my pain. So, secretly, I refused to heal. I didn’t want to move on. I rebelled against these notions by committing myself to hanging on to the pain.
Some part of me knew it was wrong to hang onto the heartbreak of loss, but I didn’t want people to be right about “moving on” and living happily again.
There is a funny thing about pain — you can still have it without the suffering it brings. I will live my whole life with the traumatic memories and the searing pain of losing him, but nowadays, I don’t get sucked into the rabbit hole of despair. I am no longer attached to the grief.
I see the grief lingering nearby and I acknowledge it. I go on with my day. I have processed a lot of it, but not all of it. It still sometimes gets me in its grip. However, I am choosing to live a happy life, and therefore, I cannot attach myself to pain and suffering anymore. I release myself from it on purpose. The sadness is here with me, and it always will be, but it’s not in the driver’s seat now.
Your grief is valid. The journey you are on entails that you confront it. Processing loss is very difficult. You must do it in your own way. There is no recipe for healing. In deep grief, I only recommend that you take it one day at a time. Don’t rush healing. Just be. When a wave comes up and washes over you, allow it to do so.
But then, when it’s calm waters again, try your best to stay unattached to your pain. You’ve been through a lot. You carry a great burden. Take it off your shoulders sometimes and rest. You deserve to be free from it.
Just remember, it’s a choice to carry around grief. If you choose to stay attached to it, that is part of your learning journey. It’s valid. Grief teaches us what love means. It challenges us at the deepest soul level. I am not here to tell you that it’s wrong to feel any emotion on the human spectrum. But as I said before, you can feel it without letting it define you.
Someday, like me, you may freely choose to release the tight grip and allow the grief to be what it needs to be without your entanglement. You may explore it and let it exist, but when you choose to let go, it no longer determines the course of your life. And you can start to swim your way to the surface to breathe again. The light will shine once again on your face.
There is no rush to get there.
