Sometimes, the darkness is a choice.
Grief is a powerful force that comes from within. It can surprise you how self-shattering it is. It is not something you can control, making it a terrifying dictator of your life. Someone with the best intentions to heal cannot escape from grief’s tides and waves. It is all-consuming — but not forever.
I have found that there comes a time when it changes — at some point, it becomes less of an irresistible force and more of a choice. And it takes courage to choose to let in the light and let go of the heaviness because the grief may feel like it defines you. It feels impossible to say no to it, but sometimes — sometimes — it is possible.
There’s a turning point in my grief story. It was once in the driver’s seat of my mind. One day, it got slightly easier. Once upon a time, after my twin flame died, I cried all day, every day. It was too much to bear. I felt like I was free-falling into an abyss. Then, it became only five times a day. Then it became only three. Then it was only once a day.
Eventually, I observed that I hadn’t cried for two whole days, and I realized grief didn’t have to be with me forever. I began to see my identity as separate from grief — it’s not an essential part of me, after all! This took many months to see.
Sometimes a wave would come up and wash over me and bring me back to crying all day long, but it got easier to move through it every time that happened.
I had to become very self-aware and discerning to see that I was at a crossroads. I could choose to keep steady on the path of deep grief, allowing it to shatter me. Or, I could intentionally steer myself toward lighter days. I could find joy in being alive again. If I had a choice, why would I ever choose darkness and sadness? I needed to get myself out.
I realized that all things in my mind’s energy are choices. I had to seriously ask myself: If I don’t have control over my own mind, who does? This was the first step.
Next, I began to understand how my environment and external influences were shaping my experience of my own mind. Were certain people or message sources feeding me the idea that I needed to stay sad? If I could choose to remove these influences from my life, I would. It made a huge difference to listen only to uplifting music and follow only inspirational social media accounts. I stopped logging into Facebook entirely. I faded out friendships that weren’t helping me get better.
Another aspect of grief that interested me was the fact that I needed to change my environment whenever possible. I believe that when you move to different surroundings, you shift your inner energy, too. You start to see things in new ways. Creative juices get flowing. If I took a trip anywhere, it brought me a little joy. Staying in my home, crying and lying in bed, was doing nothing to help me heal.
I also chose joy. I wrote down every day what I was grateful for, what I looked forward to in life, and things that brought me happiness. This simple practice transformed me. I can’t stress this enough. When I chose to focus on positive aspects of my life, positive things began to happen to me — and I more easily identified the positive parts of my inner and outer worlds. Life became a treat.
There are always going to be people who want to convince us that it’s ok to express and hang onto negative emotions, like anger and sadness. I simply chose not to listen to them. If they tried to argue with me, I walked away. I wasn’t having it. I don’t need to listen to anyone trying to tell me it’s fine for me to go back into the darkness, because it’s not. The darkness is not a place I like to be. I’ve had enough of it.
If other people want to dwell on grief and immerse themselves in a shroud of darkness, they can — nobody is stopping them. I hope to teach them that it’s better not to choose darkness, whenever it’s a choice, but I know I can’t actually stop anyone from destroying themselves. They have to learn for themselves.
Hi, I’m Emily! I’m an author, psychic, and spiritual coach.
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The Dark Night of the Soul is one of the most challenging times in a spiritual journey. Learn how to survive it and use it for the greater good.
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