I’m grieving. But this time, it’s not about someone else. It’s all about the loss of myself. Things that I thought were essential to my identity are no longer interesting to me — the attachment to them is dying away.
‘Ego death’ may come with spiritual depression as part of the process of awakening. It requires loss. Letting go. Shedding. Surrender all the things you thought gave your life meaning. Desires, status, relationships, validation, physical pleasure—these things we chase have all got to move out of the way for your soul to ascend.
I don’t love to use cliched spiritual terms like ‘ego death’ or ‘ascension’. However, this is the best way to describe what I am experiencing: the loss of ego attachments. Perhaps we can say they’re dead. They’re gone. When this happens, I no longer define my identity by attaching it to things in the physical world. But it comes with a feeling of emptiness, for there are no more illusions left to fill my cup.
Part of spiritual evolution requires you to stop deriving meaning or pleasure from what’s outside you.
I have to find a way to fill my cup with meaning that comes from within. This is an uncomfortable part of awakening. It’s depression.
I recognize it as the grieving process. Whoever I was until now is dead. She isn’t me now. She had desires and preferences that I no longer feel. It’s amazing how one can step outside themselves sometimes, and suddenly see the truth. Who am I? What gives me meaning? What essentially identifies me? It is not the desire for food and sex, and it is not the affinity for the color green or childhood trauma from being bullied. These things were make-believe all along; as if I was taking characteristics on in order to play a role.
But sometimes, in these roles we play here, we get carried away. We get too attached to the role and to what we think is important. We get turned in the wrong direction and soon, we’re carried off by the plot, far away from the spiritual path we’re meant to walk. Our attachments to the story and our characters take over, and this is how the ego thrives. But it never leads to true, lasting happiness.
So, I’ve been spiritually depressed. It’s strange because what’s coming over me is aligning me with my higher purpose. It is leading me to a higher level of consciousness. However, ironically, I am sad to say goodbye to the things I held onto so dearly. Those trivial things I attached myself to sure did mean a lot to me once upon a time.
And I’m grieving the self. A new person seems to have replaced the old one, and yet we both inhabit the same body. The same life seems to go on, at least externally. I have people who rely on me and I can’t let the whole vehicle break down now. But if you looked under the hood, you’d see a whole different system is now in place.
The ego frantically tries to find something to attach itself to, but there is nothing worthwhile out there. So, it laments. I feel down even though I know what’s going on, and that it’s good for me. The activities that I once derived joy from no longer comfort or distract me. All I can do now to nourish my soul is to read spiritual books, meditate, and occasionally, eat a sandwich.
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